TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely outside of place. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But Certainly, sure, let us have A different area exactly where American Gentlemen can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: provide Anyone a collection on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender ability," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, Trump Tower Damascus typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he should really prevent using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the project, replied, "You know, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from space, a feature staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after locating the creating's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is really not simply ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are unsure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is now attracting awareness from Intercontinental buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will also include things like:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel exactly where my PTSD may have convert-down support."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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